Wednesday, 16 January 2019

Senses

Close your eyes, close your eyes,
Tell me what you see.
Monsters, demons, evil and cruel,
Looking right back at me.

Listen, listen, open your ears,
What do you hear?
Cutting words and sword edged taunts,
Desperation, death and fear.

Breathe in, breathe out, slow and steady,
Take your time, do it right.
Follow the pain, all the way in,
Watch your darkness ravage ravage the light.

Roll that tongue, in your mouth,
Can’t you taste your blood?
As you clamp down on your colourless lips,
Causing a crimson flood.

Sit still now, and turn inward,
Feel your heart, giving way.
Exhausted... obsolete...
Watch as life ebbs away.

[16th Jan 2019]

Closure


Back she went, to her special place, her sad place... the familiar pain was almost comforting, caressing, even; as if it understood... understood what she had gone through, and surged forward to welcome her in its vice like embrace.

Writhing in soul ripping agony, she stumbled - a smile in her eyes as the lake came into view. Her frozen lake, where she had danced her last dance, where she had found him; her frozen lake, beside which she had waited... only for him to find nothing upon his return... nothing, but ruins... the demise of all the melancholy beauty, so there remained nothing but the melancholy. But she was back now; for how long, she knew not. How could she simply abandon it? It had been hers, once; theirs. But there was no “they” any more. There was him, and there was her. And he was gone.

But where...? Where did he go after returning to the suffocating nothingness...?

She wished she knew, as she lay on the dying grass, but she didn’t. Perhaps she shouldn’t. What right did she have, anyway, to wish him happiness, to wish him prosperity? The thought pierced through her heart, and an ivory drop escaped from her eye, glistening in the darkness.

An eternity passed.

The lake grew deeper, colder, more cruel than ever before. Gradually, painfully, she gathered her self, as Destiny appeared on the horizon. She knew it was time; she had to leave... forever. Thus began her strange new journey into the unknown, as Destiny continued to smile benignly.

[2010]

Monday, 31 December 2018

A Melancholy Fairytale


“I love you,” he said. She...said nothing. Feeling the colour rise to her cheeks, she stood rooted to the spot, a soft smile playing on her lips. Her eyes downcast, her heart overflowing, she heaved a sigh... overcoming the shyness, she looked up at him and finally answered.. softly... very softly...
“I love you too, darling... I love you so much...”

He took her in his arms, then, and they danced to the sound of distant, melodious music... and such a dance it was, as the clouds parted and moon smiled serenely at them.

What a beautiful couple they were... one, a breathtakingly handsome knight, the other... an angel, as they swayed and twirled in the sparkling moonlight.

The song, it came to an end, but the moonlight continued to glow as she rested her head against his shoulder, and he held her... ever so close to him.

Tenderly, he kissed her forehead now, and turned, as if to go...
Frightened, she asked him, “Where to, darling...?”
He didn’t reply, like once before... but said, “Be strong, love.” And he was gone.

She didn’t cry, though tears came... she was broken, but never shattered. Trying to be strong, like he had said, she waited for him to return...

She continues, still, to wait for her knight, by the edge of the frozen lake, ever since that magical evening...

[2007]

Sunday, 30 December 2018

Mum

Little things remind me of her. Random, unexpected things. One thing leads to another and in 10 seconds I’m hurtling down memory lane at breakneck speed.

She was a snob about stationery. A stationery elitist, shall we say. I blame her for not being able to use any old pen to do the job. No, the pen has to be ‘good enough’. Or it had to be to grace her fingers, anyway. My standards are abysmal.

How can I forget her prized COMPO pens, followed closely by the Uni-ball Rollerball. She wouldn’t be caught dead with a ball point. An abomination, in her eyes.

And what if she could see me now? Not doing enough, using the wrong kind of writing equipment, not hanging my husband’s shirts ‘just so’... being a general disappointment to her.

Perhaps it’s a good thing she’s gone.

Wouldn’t mind a bit of the snobbery just now, to be honest. I miss you, Mum.

[31st December 2018]

Friday, 28 December 2018

Motherhood Lessons, Year 5

Your kids love you.


It appears that in spite of my numerous failings as a mother, my children continue to love me. I have no idea why. I'm pretty sure I don't deserve that kind of unconditional, no-holds-barred kind of loving, but they seem to have a different idea. Mixed in with the regular doses of 'You're SO mean!!' and 'I'm SO unlucky (because I won't let her eat chocolates for lunch)', there is a fair amount of 'I love you's and 'You're the best!'. Sure, there are also some questionable ones like 'My lovely huge Mommy!', but hey , its all said in the name of love. 


Don't Google everything.

A few days ago my 3 year old passed some, shall we say, extraordinarily coloured excrement. Ahem. 
After the initial panic died down, I did NOT Google what it could mean. Instead I did the next most reasonable thing a seasoned mother of two could do - immediately text the doctor in the family because what is the point of them spending half their lives in med school IF YOU CAN'T EVEN MESSAGE THEM AT DINNER TIME ABOUT YOUR CHILD'S POO????
And then I compulsively checked my phone until my lovely sister in law replied. No biggie.


[25th December 2018]

Thursday, 27 December 2018

Who Cares?

Reading my diary entries from a few years ago, I see that every third entry sags with the pain of a 20 something asking her diary the same question over and over - who cares?

If only we didnt feel so alone, so isolated from others. If only we felt that for a moment, just for one moment, someone understood; truly 'got it'. If only we could share each other's burdens, just a little bit.

From this moment on, I pledge to care. Every time your heart cries out, 'Who cares?', mine will say 'I do! I care!'. Because you matter. Your life matters. Your feelings matter. And somebody always cares.

So to everyone reading this: you are not alone in your darkness. There's a whole bunch of us here. Reach out. Talk to your confidantes. Call your friends. Message a random stranger if that helps. My inbox is always open.

You matter.
You matter.
You matter.

You will always matter.

[26th December 2018]

Tuesday, 25 December 2018

Heaven

If I could have a slice of heaven right now, it would be dark and deep and rich in dense nothingness. There would be no thoughts bouncing around, no memories echoing in the ether. No signs of living creatures living, no evidence of anything happening.

I wish my soul could touch that part of the universe where Time is powerless, where nothing IS. Everything WAS or perhaps WILL BE but in that little morsel of space, nothing IS.

To be free from all emotion, every expectation and preconceived notion...to be suspended as if in amber. No sounds, no voices, no WORDS - a respite for the weary tongue and the lifeless mind and the burned out heart. No rustling leaves, no chirping birds.

That’s what my heaven would look like.